Tuesday, July 22, 2008

New Site Is Up and Running!

Hey Peeps,
I am up and running at my new site www.southernfriedmomma.com

Check it out! I will be having some fabulous giveaways in the coming months...so visit often, leave some comments, and tell your friends!

Southern Fried Momma
"Mrs. Sweet Tea 2008"

Monday, July 21, 2008

Fabulous...Doesn't Even Begin to Describe It!

Patience people...patience! Sit back get your nails did and have a cocktail.
Very soon my new website will be up and runnin' like a cow with the scours. I am SO excited.
I have really enjoyed blogging. It doesn't matter if 1000 people read my blog or it's just me and my peeps...I have had so much fun and gotten to know so many cool people. There's also something very freeing about being able to have your say...and that it has the potential to be heard all over the world. And ya'll know me...I think everybody should hear my opinion and experience my witty personality.
I looked for several weeks for someone to design my new blog. I emailed lots of people who blog...some responded...some didn't. But no one could really point me in the direction to start. I needed some guidance...cause I am pretty computer illiterate.
By luck, I found Lara at Blog What? Designs. We've never met. But if we ever do, I will give her a big ole hug and a fifth of Kentucky bourbon. She has been wonderful.
She started with my current website to get a feel of who I am and what I like...and off she went. She guided me in the direction I needed to go while letting me be creative, letting my inner country glamour queen shine through. She didn't laugh at me too much...except maybe when she told me she had put an RSS subscription feed on my site...and I was all like "That's wonderful...great...Hey, Lara...What is RSS?"
Or when we were doing my little character on the front of the blog and I said we needed to adjust her boobs because she was a little nippy, if you know what I mean...and I never go without a bra.
She taught me the ins and outs of my new blog page while not making me feel stupid.
So, for any of my blogger buddies looking to update or redo your site...check out Lara at Blog What? Designs.
Thank you Lara for all your help!

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Girls Gone Wild!

Why is it when my daughter decided to take her shirt off in the middle of town square, everyone, including my mother, said she takes after me.
Are people trying to imply something? Are they trying to say I am not the proper demure Southern woman I should be?
Even Scarlett had her moments...that red hussy dress wasn't exactly angelic.

Friday, July 18, 2008

My Husband May Kill Me

Tonight after my husband made me watch the Outdoor channel for fifteen hours and constantly jabbed me in the ribs going "Honey, Look at that"...I kinda had a momentary lapse of reasoning.
I had this uncontrollable urge to smear a spoonful of pie onto his shiny head.
Mission accomplished. I feel so much better.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Pimp My Ride!

My father-in-law imports these Japanese mini-trucks. People from all over buy them to use for agriculture, industry and just to goof of with. Most are 4 wheel drive and some even have dump beds which are great to use for landscaping.
I have been begging my husband to keep this one for me and pimp it out. Paint it hot pink with some flames down the side...a lift kit and some spinners...a kickin' sound system...a champagne fountain in the back.
Next thing you know, I'll have a show on Spike TV called Most Extreme Challenge Pimp Your Japanese Ride.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Excuse Me, Do You Have Any Grey Poupon?

Ramblin's From a Fugitive Part Duex

Well, it turns out I have the "bestest" attorney in the South. He's tall and blond like Matthew McCounaghey in a "Time to Kill" but acts a lot more like Harry Rex...although I've never seen him wear a seersucker suit. He's married to a real sweet southern gal.
Anyhoo, he's talked to the authorities down there in Sweet Home Alabama and they've agreed that I would be much more trouble on the inside than the out.
Word had gotten around that I might be on my way down there to work on the chain gang and letters have been pouring into the Department of Corrections.
It seems a number companies...i.e {MAC Cosmetics, Victoria's Secret, Coach, Via Spiga) were really concerned about the drop of revenue that would incur with my incarceration. They felt with the economy being so shaky...it just wasn't a good idea.
So, the higher ups have agreed that I should attend driving school (as if...I KNOW how to drive...how else could I handle a car at such high speeds)and pay court cost and promise never, ever to drive in the state of Alabama again. The last part was just my stipulation but as I see it if I can't drive...I never have to be the designated driver...MORE FUN FOR MOMMA!
So, peace out to Shaniqua and Sharon. I know I promised you girls cigarettes to cover my back in the pokey. I'm a girl of my word. See you on Sunday visitation with a bucket of chicken and a carton of cigs!

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Ella Girl with the Strawberry Curls

When I was pregnant, I kept telling my mom that my baby would have red hair. She told me that if she did we'd have to leave her at the hospital.
I think my mom endured years of torture over her red hair. I love red hair and I'm glad Ella inherited it. Let's hope she inherited her good heart also.
So Mom, can we keep her?

Mechanical Bull Rider

Today as we were driving along in Rico's new Caddy, he turns to me and says, "If there was ever anything in this world I was ever good at, it was mechanical bull riding. When I walked into the Sawmill everyone knew I was there to ride the bull."
Y'all can imagine the look on my face. It couldn't have got any stranger than if I had woke up one morning and discover I had grown a penis.
Mind you, Rico is manly. He hunts, shoots rifles and pistols, occasionally dips tobacco and spits...but mechanical bull riding? Is that even manly?
If he had told me he'd once been a real bull rider and lost his two front teeth, my heart would have swelled with pride...but mechanical bull riding? Isn't that something that drunk blond girls do? (Not that I know anything about that sort of subject.)
I asked him about this famous time period of his life and he informed me that it was during college. I told him I was unaware of his celebratory status and that I was sorry that I missed all the...you know...all the mechanical bull riding paparazzi.
So for all you gals out there...eat your heart out...I'm married to a MECHANICAL BULL RIDING HOTTIE who wears golf shirts and writes with a fountain pen.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Coming Soon!

Keep an eye out for my new website www.southernfriedmomma.com. It should be up and running next week. When it's up, I'll put a redirect on this site.
We will celebrate with some cool giveaways like a trip to Turtle Island in Fiji...or maybe just some cool stuff off of Etsy.com.
Anyhoo...stay tuned!

If My Mind Was This Serene...

I tried to meditate tonight. I sat in a quiet place and let my mind get still. I choose a phrase to repeat over and over. I concentrated on my breathing. Then the phone rang. It was the Fraternal Order of Police wanting a donation.
O.K. Back to task...where was I? Oh, yeah...meditating. Breathe in...breathe out...
"Mom, can I have some more pizza?"
"Yes, Rachel..I'm trying to meditate."
"You're what?" Rachel yells.
"What's medicating?"
Never mind....medicating would probably be a better idea.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Bad To the Bone

I can't help but look at this picture and see Ella as a linebacker. She went to her first pool party this weekend with a bunch of other kids her age and she was a giant. All the other little girls were dainty and petite. Ella was like a bull in a china shop.
This picture says it all..."Fat Bottom Girls make the Rockin' World Go Round!"


What are you contemplating? What is running through your mind as I snap this picture?
Are you thinking of how you can talk me into bidding on those toys you want on Ebay? Or are you anxiously awaiting Matt to arrive at the cookout?
Maybe your just daydreaming of what you'll be when you grow up?
Hopefully you'll outgrow the dream of working at McDonald's.
Maybe you're just singing a song in your head and being happy.
That's all I really want you to be is happy.

A True Friend

How do you measure a true friend? When she will color your hair and do your nails when she's 4 cm dilated with her second child. I told her my voodoo doll of her had duct tape over her woo-hoo and that baby wouldn't come out until my roots were done.
I took the duct tape off...you can have the baby now!

Friday, July 11, 2008

Ella Loves "Bee-Bee's"

Ella loves babies. She has walked a thousand miles in our driveway pushing her baby stroller. She gives them bottles. She rocks them to sleep.
Today, Ella's dream came true. She got to play with a real baby. "Bee-Bee" as Ella says...a real "Bee-Bee." It was sweet and touching...and no, I haven't changed my mind...the uterus is coming out!

You're Gonna Be What?

See this stupid look on Rico's face? This came about yesterday on our way home from Nashville when the subject of age came up. I am a few years older than Rico but it was like it just sunk into his brain for the first time. He looked at me, laughed and said, "You're gonna be how old? 37? How old were you when we first started dating?" You mean back in school when I was 19 and you were just driving?
I wanted to take my flip flop off and reinvent the Jimmy Buffett phrase..."Blew out my flip flop...knocked off a ding dong."
Did he just know realize I am old...my uterus is decrepit and am soon to be barren?
I gave him the opportunity to trade me in for two 18 year olds. But then I reminded him that they would want to go clubbin' all the time and he dances like he's feeding chickens or having some kind of epileptic fit. They wouldn't think that was sexy for very long. Nor would they understand his incessant need to talk about guns and scopes...or to stop on the side of a busy highway and shoot a groundhog. They just wouldn't be DOWN with that.
I may be old but I understand him...and he understands me...even if he doesn't know how old I am.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Disease Psychologist

Do I look nutty to you? Well, maybe that's a loaded question.
Today I went to Vanderbilt Medical Center for a checkup. For those of you who don't know, I have Crohn's Disease. It's an auto immune disorder that affects your digestive tract. In layman's terms, it's like having the most horrendous stomach virus of your life every day. It's like that movie Groundhog Day only with Montezuma's revenge.
Sometimes I feel like Ice Cube's Dad on that series of movies called Friday, Friday after Next, etc...remember him? When he's got to go to the bathroom and he's running through his landladies house yelling, "I've got big business to tend to...I'm like the Governor." Well people, I'm like the Governor ALL the time. You never know when I'm gonna have BIG business.
All I can figure is I am definitely getting paid back for some BAD karma. I must have been a bad mo-fo. You know Mother Teresa didn't come back having the runs 24/7. Gandhi? I'm sure he didn't reincarnate to crap himself til he was dehydrated or know every bathroom in the tri-county area.
Anyhoo, today my doctor had me see the disease psychologist (as he does all his patients). He evaluates how you are handling the stress of your illness.
This was the most ridiculous meeting I have ever had. He tried to tell me if I could control my type A "anxiety" ridden personality and tell my kids to let me be for 30 minutes a day to meditate that alot of my disease process would disappear. What the?
He also had the nerve to tell me that after moving to a rural Tennessee town from Boston thirty years ago, that he decided to move to the more urban area of Nashville to raise his kids where they wouldn't be raised near tobacco farmers, be close to good coffee and where he could buy the New York Times. Apparently the rest of us are heathen, uneducated, agricultural hicks.
When I explained how I was comforted by the thought of raising my children in a rural area where I know the ends and outs of families in the community...in other words...I know who my kids are spending time with. I know their parents, their grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. He told me that I worry to much about my children...that wondering who my kids were hanging out with was not good for me? Isn't that my job as a parent? What kind of ding-dong am I fooling with?
And besides, who has time to meditate? I guess I will meditate while I'm on the shitter. But wait, I can't even do that alone. Ella has started coming into the bathroom and patting me on the back and saying, "Poop, Momma, Poop."
As I was leaving, I ask him if I was nutty and he said if I was nutty he could smell me. This was his lame attempt at being funny. So I ask him if I was shitty...and I don't even think he got it.
Any one that has a disease that makes you crap all the time knows one thing, if you don't have a sense of humor...You need to be flushed down the loo.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Rico Sauve...The Donut King

Rico has decided on a career change as well. He has decided to give up his present career and pursue my love for donuts. He knows I love Krispy Kremes and would probably sell my kids into slave labor for a couple of dozen (OK...maybe a couple hundred dozen...I'm not that bad of a mother.)
It was a toss up between Big Pimp Daddy (since he just got the Caddy) or the Donut King....seeing as I have big thighs...I could fit in either way. So, Donut King it is...place your orders early...we're running out quick!


The first tubal ligation was performed back in 1881. As I can imagine, it came about from a situation like this...a woman, hard working on the farm...tending to her heathen kids, the chickens, the chores. It was July, it was HOT. The kids were whining...the mom was bitchy. The dad was just staying out of the way cause he was outnumbered.
But then he got a little brave and got amorous...and that's when she said..."Don't you ever come near me again unless you promise me I will never, ever get pregnant...these kids are gonna be the death of me yet...they have drove me nuts all day long...if you think you're gonna knock me up again, you've gotta another thing coming mister...so unless you come up with some kind of miracle fix...you best be sleeping in the guest room."
That, my friends, is how it all came about...a mom's need for sanity and a dad's desperation!

Monday, July 7, 2008

Hardwood Knockers

One of these days, I'm gonna have enough self esteem to perform in the holiday parades like these people. These are the "Hardwood Knockers" and we watched them in an adjacent county 4th of July parade. They line danced to several songs and were quite "entertaining".
The great thing about it was they really didn't give two cents what anybody thought ...they were just having a good time...American flag high top tennis shoes and all.
So, I salute you "Hardwood Knockers" and all the other parade line dancers out there...you make the holidays that much more festive.

Don't Tell Rico!

Rico don't know about me and Ronald. It's a torrid love affair. I use him...he uses me. I'm supposed to be on the Adkins Diet and that means no french fries.
However, Ronald likes me with salty lips, greasy fingers and fat thighs. Now that I think of it...so does Rico!
We're a perfect pair.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

The Chickens are Here!

Well, I decided I better go get the baby chicks from Farm Chick today. She's leaving Tuesday to go out of town for the week and leaving Secret Agent Man in charge of the coop. Now her chicks are old enough that they don't need butt checks. Mine are still young and can get their butt's clogged with poop and this has to be checked often but I'm hoping they will outgrow this by tomorrow...cause I don't even like doing butt checks on my own kids.
Anyhoo...even though I love to irritate Secret Agent Man, I figure he'd been through enough hell so I went to get them this afternoon. They are adorable. I've never been around chickens before...let alone picked one up.
We brought them home and had one little casualty with the blue heeler and one of the silver Cochins...I didn't think Tuff had it in him anymore to chase anything. We now know not to let him near the gate.
The kids had a great time as Ella has been practicing "feeding" the chickens all week long.
If I counted correctly, I have 14 hens and 3 roosters (which I didn't order but they threw in for free...gee thanks!)
We'll see what the count is by the end of the week.
I have to give a big shout out to Farm Chick for the chicken butt cleaning for TWO WHOLE WEEKS...now, that's a true girlfriend!
And a big shout out to my hubby for building the coop and getting all the supplies, while never once rolling his eyes or saying "Why in the hell do you want chickens?"

Career Change

I am now a professional deer hunter.
That is all!

P.S. Real girls do eat meat!
Sorry Pam!

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Not So Happy 4th of July

I have a very unpleasant memory of the 4th of July. I guess I was about 12 years old and had just started my period. We were on one of our summer camping trips in the Winnebago.
Mom only let me wear pads. You know those 6 inch thick pads that were long enough to go from your belly button to your butt crack? You remember those? This was way before "wings". I don't even remember if they had sticky stuff on the back. They were so thick you could have used them for a pillow.
So, to make sure no one knew you were wearing these thick diaper pads, you would always wear a sweater or a sweatshirt tied around your waist...like no one noticed this was weird in July.
What a quandary...everyone was going swimming at the campground swimming pool but me. I couldn't go 'cause Flo was visiting and my pad was so huge and absorbent it would have sucked up all the pool water. What's a girl gonna do?
I finally broke down and asked my mom. She gave me a box of tampons and the instructions. I sat in the bathroom reading and looking at the directions...OK...I think I can do this, maybe.
After much hesitation, I put it in and off to the pool I went. Well, mom said it wouldn't hurt. But it did...and it kept getting worse and worse until I couldn't stand it any longer.
Finally,I couldn't take it any more. I was so embarrassed. I went and found my mom and told her what was going on. She asked me how I put it in and I told her...then she said..."You don't leave the cardboard part in too...you have to take that out and leave the cotton part in." DUH!
I am such a ding dong.
Speaking of "wings" and "sticky parts"...I gotta tell you this story. A couple of years ago, this elderly man was telling me he was having problems with urinary incontinence and had started wearing woman's sanitary pads so he wouldn't "wet" himself. He said one day he was in a bit of a hurry and he ripped off the back of the sticky pad and put it on...and then realized he put it on backwards. Said he only had a couple of hairs to start with but when he ripped that pad off he "cleaned his plow." True story.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Mood Ring


My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a
big frickin red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. Dumb ass.

Ramblin's From a Fugitive

Well, I'm still free for now. My lawyer has been talking to people down in Alabama and there's a possibility that I may be able to attend driving school here and pay court costs there and not have to attend court. Yippee! That would be a huge relief since I'm having my uterus yanked out a few days prior to the court date.
Pissy had the great idea that I should take pictures of my uterus and put it on my blog. What a fabulous idea! Even better...ya'll remember a few years ago when that OB/GYN from Kentucky seared U.K. (for University of Kentucky)on a patient's uterus when he removed it? They normally mark it with a L and R for pathology reasons...but this doctor was a huge U.K. fan and thought he'd be funny. Well, it got leaked to the patient and he got sued.
I think I will ask my OB/GYN to tattoo my uterus with "southern fried momma" and have him take it's picture just for you all...then maybe a picture of me all gorked out with the big tube down my throat and my eyes all rolled back in my head...but I will still have my makeup on...I promise!
Speaking of Pissy, she blogged today that she's not blogging for awhile. She's got a lot going on in her life. Let's all keep her in our hearts and prayers. I don't know about you guys...but she really makes me laugh!

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Alabama Chain Gang

Well, I'm about to say something I thought I'd never, ever, ever say,"I may soon be a member of the Alabama Chain Gang."
Remember back in May when Rico and I went to the condo in Gulf Shores? Well, on the way back, we were laughing and having a grand old time when I heard sirens and saw flashing lights behind me. After saying a few choice words, I pulled over to meet the biggest state trooper ever. Lord, that man was BIG.
I admitted that I was speeding..."Yes, sir" and all that jazz. He told me to wait 10 days and get online to pay my fine and that I had until August 10 to pay it. "O.K. Thank you, Sir! Have a Nice Day!"
Well, I come home. I didn't think too much about it. Just reminded myself every now and then that I need to get it done. So today I got online to pay. Well, the system wouldn't let me do it. I called the number on the ticket, and they tell me that I can't pay over the phone. What the? They give me another phone number to call for the local courthouse.
Well, guess what. I have to come to court. You know why? Because I was driving 20 MPH over the speed limit. Now, you know that big, bad trooper knew that when he gave me that ticket. Why didn't he just tell me? It would have really been helpful so I wouldn't schedule a HYSTERECTOMY three days before the court date. I told the judge's office that I was having surgery on the 7th of August and would it be possible to make other arrangements?
They were like...NO...probably not. If you don't show up for court, they will order a warrant for your arrest.
Can you believe this? I could be on the CHAIN GANG!!!!
I don't do well in the heat unless I have a fruity cocktail and sunscreen. Wouldn't it be a violation of my civil rights if I had to work by the roadside on a chain gang... without alcohol, sunburned, and WITH my uterus!!!!!
I need a lawyer!!!!! ATTICA!!! ATTICA!!!