Southern Fried Momma

New Site Is Up and Running!

2008-07-22T09:48:00.004-04:00

Hey Peeps,
I am up and running at my new site www.southernfriedmomma.com

Check it out! I will be having some fabulous giveaways in the coming months...so visit often, leave some comments, and tell your friends!

Southern Fried Momma
"Mrs. Sweet Tea 2008"

Fabulous...Doesn't Even Begin to Describe It!

2008-07-21T21:21:00.004-04:00

Patience people...patience! Sit back get your nails did and have a cocktail.
Very soon my new website will be up and runnin' like a cow with the scours. I am SO excited.
I have really enjoyed blogging. It doesn't matter if 1000 people read my blog or it's just me and my peeps...I have had so much fun and gotten to know so many cool people. There's also something very freeing about being able to have your say...and that it has the potential to be heard all over the world. And ya'll know me...I think everybody should hear my opinion and experience my witty personality.
I looked for several weeks for someone to design my new blog. I emailed lots of people who blog...some responded...some didn't. But no one could really point me in the direction to start. I needed some guidance...cause I am pretty computer illiterate.
By luck, I found Lara at Blog What? Designs. We've never met. But if we ever do, I will give her a big ole hug and a fifth of Kentucky bourbon. She has been wonderful.
She started with my current website to get a feel of who I am and what I like...and off she went. She guided me in the direction I needed to go while letting me be creative, letting my inner country glamour queen shine through. She didn't laugh at me too much...except maybe when she told me she had put an RSS subscription feed on my site...and I was all like "That's wonderful...great...Hey, Lara...What is RSS?"
Or when we were doing my little character on the front of the blog and I said we needed to adjust her boobs because she was a little nippy, if you know what I mean...and I never go without a bra.
She taught me the ins and outs of my new blog page while not making me feel stupid.
So, for any of my blogger buddies looking to update or redo your site...check out Lara at Blog What? Designs.
Thank you Lara for all your help!

Girls Gone Wild!

2008-07-19T22:20:00.003-04:00

Why is it when my daughter decided to take her shirt off in the middle of town square, everyone, including my mother, said she takes after me.
Are people trying to imply something? Are they trying to say I am not the proper demure Southern woman I should be?
Even Scarlett had her moments...that red hussy dress wasn't exactly angelic.

My Husband May Kill Me

2008-07-18T23:37:00.004-04:00

Tonight after my husband made me watch the Outdoor channel for fifteen hours and constantly jabbed me in the ribs going "Honey, Look at that"...I kinda had a momentary lapse of reasoning.
I had this uncontrollable urge to smear a spoonful of pie onto his shiny head.
Mission accomplished. I feel so much better.

Pimp My Ride!

2008-07-17T20:42:00.004-04:00

My father-in-law imports these Japanese mini-trucks. People from all over buy them to use for agriculture, industry and just to goof of with. Most are 4 wheel drive and some even have dump beds which are great to use for landscaping.
I have been begging my husband to keep this one for me and pimp it out. Paint it hot pink with some flames down the side...a lift kit and some spinners...a kickin' sound system...a champagne fountain in the back.
Next thing you know, I'll have a show on Spike TV called Most Extreme Challenge Pimp Your Japanese Ride.

Excuse Me, Do You Have Any Grey Poupon?

2008-07-16T21:32:00.002-04:00

Ramblin's From a Fugitive Part Duex

2008-07-16T20:50:00.003-04:00

Well, it turns out I have the "bestest" attorney in the South. He's tall and blond like Matthew McCounaghey in a "Time to Kill" but acts a lot more like Harry Rex...although I've never seen him wear a seersucker suit. He's married to a real sweet southern gal.
Anyhoo, he's talked to the authorities down there in Sweet Home Alabama and they've agreed that I would be much more trouble on the inside than the out.
Word had gotten around that I might be on my way down there to work on the chain gang and letters have been pouring into the Department of Corrections.
It seems a number companies...i.e {MAC Cosmetics, Victoria's Secret, Coach, Via Spiga) were really concerned about the drop of revenue that would incur with my incarceration. They felt with the economy being so shaky...it just wasn't a good idea.
So, the higher ups have agreed that I should attend driving school (as if...I KNOW how to drive...how else could I handle a car at such high speeds)and pay court cost and promise never, ever to drive in the state of Alabama again. The last part was just my stipulation but as I see it if I can't drive...I never have to be the designated driver...MORE FUN FOR MOMMA!
So, peace out to Shaniqua and Sharon. I know I promised you girls cigarettes to cover my back in the pokey. I'm a girl of my word. See you on Sunday visitation with a bucket of chicken and a carton of cigs!

Ella Girl with the Strawberry Curls

2008-07-15T20:48:00.003-04:00

When I was pregnant, I kept telling my mom that my baby would have red hair. She told me that if she did we'd have to leave her at the hospital.
I think my mom endured years of torture over her red hair. I love red hair and I'm glad Ella inherited it. Let's hope she inherited her good heart also.
So Mom, can we keep her?

Mechanical Bull Rider

2008-07-15T20:24:00.003-04:00

Today as we were driving along in Rico's new Caddy, he turns to me and says, "If there was ever anything in this world I was ever good at, it was mechanical bull riding. When I walked into the Sawmill everyone knew I was there to ride the bull."
Y'all can imagine the look on my face. It couldn't have got any stranger than if I had woke up one morning and discover I had grown a penis.
Mind you, Rico is manly. He hunts, shoots rifles and pistols, occasionally dips tobacco and spits...but mechanical bull riding? Is that even manly?
If he had told me he'd once been a real bull rider and lost his two front teeth, my heart would have swelled with pride...but mechanical bull riding? Isn't that something that drunk blond girls do? (Not that I know anything about that sort of subject.)
I asked him about this famous time period of his life and he informed me that it was during college. I told him I was unaware of his celebratory status and that I was sorry that I missed all the...you know...all the mechanical bull riding paparazzi.
So for all you gals out there...eat your heart out...I'm married to a MECHANICAL BULL RIDING HOTTIE who wears golf shirts and writes with a fountain pen.

Coming Soon!

2008-07-14T22:06:00.002-04:00

Keep an eye out for my new website www.southernfriedmomma.com. It should be up and running next week. When it's up, I'll put a redirect on this site.
We will celebrate with some cool giveaways like a trip to Turtle Island in Fiji...or maybe just some cool stuff off of Etsy.com.
Anyhoo...stay tuned!

If My Mind Was This Serene...

2008-07-14T21:48:00.003-04:00

I tried to meditate tonight. I sat in a quiet place and let my mind get still. I choose a phrase to repeat over and over. I concentrated on my breathing. Then the phone rang. It was the Fraternal Order of Police wanting a donation.
O.K. Back to task...where was I? Oh, yeah...meditating. Breathe in...breathe out...
"Mom, can I have some more pizza?"
"Yes, Rachel..I'm trying to meditate."
"You're what?" Rachel yells.
"I'M MEDITATING!"
"What's medicating?"
"MEDITATING!!!!"
Never mind....medicating would probably be a better idea.

Bad To the Bone

2008-07-13T15:12:00.002-04:00

I can't help but look at this picture and see Ella as a linebacker. She went to her first pool party this weekend with a bunch of other kids her age and she was a giant. All the other little girls were dainty and petite. Ella was like a bull in a china shop.
This picture says it all..."Fat Bottom Girls make the Rockin' World Go Round!"

Contemplating

2008-07-13T14:44:00.002-04:00

Rachel,
What are you contemplating? What is running through your mind as I snap this picture?
Are you thinking of how you can talk me into bidding on those toys you want on Ebay? Or are you anxiously awaiting Matt to arrive at the cookout?
Maybe your just daydreaming of what you'll be when you grow up?
Hopefully you'll outgrow the dream of working at McDonald's.
Maybe you're just singing a song in your head and being happy.
That's all I really want you to be is happy.
Love,
Momma

A True Friend

2008-07-13T14:34:00.005-04:00

How do you measure a true friend? When she will color your hair and do your nails when she's 4 cm dilated with her second child. I told her my voodoo doll of her had duct tape over her woo-hoo and that baby wouldn't come out until my roots were done.
I took the duct tape off...you can have the baby now!

Ella Loves "Bee-Bee's"

2008-07-11T22:50:00.003-04:00

Ella loves babies. She has walked a thousand miles in our driveway pushing her baby stroller. She gives them bottles. She rocks them to sleep.
Today, Ella's dream came true. She got to play with a real baby. "Bee-Bee" as Ella says...a real "Bee-Bee." It was sweet and touching...and no, I haven't changed my mind...the uterus is coming out!

You're Gonna Be What?

2008-07-11T15:01:00.003-04:00

See this stupid look on Rico's face? This came about yesterday on our way home from Nashville when the subject of age came up. I am a few years older than Rico but it was like it just sunk into his brain for the first time. He looked at me, laughed and said, "You're gonna be how old? 37? How old were you when we first started dating?" You mean back in school when I was 19 and you were just driving?
I wanted to take my flip flop off and reinvent the Jimmy Buffett phrase..."Blew out my flip flop...knocked off a ding dong."
Did he just know realize I am old...my uterus is decrepit and am soon to be barren?
I gave him the opportunity to trade me in for two 18 year olds. But then I reminded him that they would want to go clubbin' all the time and he dances like he's feeding chickens or having some kind of epileptic fit. They wouldn't think that was sexy for very long. Nor would they understand his incessant need to talk about guns and scopes...or to stop on the side of a busy highway and shoot a groundhog. They just wouldn't be DOWN with that.
I may be old but I understand him...and he understands me...even if he doesn't know how old I am.

Disease Psychologist

2008-07-10T22:02:00.003-04:00

Do I look nutty to you? Well, maybe that's a loaded question.
Today I went to Vanderbilt Medical Center for a checkup. For those of you who don't know, I have Crohn's Disease. It's an auto immune disorder that affects your digestive tract. In layman's terms, it's like having the most horrendous stomach virus of your life every day. It's like that movie Groundhog Day only with Montezuma's revenge.
Sometimes I feel like Ice Cube's Dad on that series of movies called Friday, Friday after Next, etc...remember him? When he's got to go to the bathroom and he's running through his landladies house yelling, "I've got big business to tend to...I'm like the Governor." Well people, I'm like the Governor ALL the time. You never know when I'm gonna have BIG business.
All I can figure is I am definitely getting paid back for some BAD karma. I must have been a bad mo-fo. You know Mother Teresa didn't come back having the runs 24/7. Gandhi? I'm sure he didn't reincarnate to crap himself til he was dehydrated or know every bathroom in the tri-county area.
Anyhoo, today my doctor had me see the disease psychologist (as he does all his patients). He evaluates how you are handling the stress of your illness.
This was the most ridiculous meeting I have ever had. He tried to tell me if I could control my type A "anxiety" ridden personality and tell my kids to let me be for 30 minutes a day to meditate that alot of my disease process would disappear. What the?
He also had the nerve to tell me that after moving to a rural Tennessee town from Boston thirty years ago, that he decided to move to the more urban area of Nashville to raise his kids where they wouldn't be raised near tobacco farmers, be close to good coffee and where he could buy the New York Times. Apparently the rest of us are heathen, uneducated, agricultural hicks.
When I explained how I was comforted by the thought of raising my children in a rural area where I know the ends and outs of families in the community...in other words...I know who my kids are spending time with. I know their parents, their grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. He told me that I worry to much about my children...that wondering who my kids were hanging out with was not good for me? Isn't that my job as a parent? What kind of ding-dong am I fooling with?
And besides, who has time to meditate? I guess I will meditate while I'm on the shitter. But wait, I can't even do that alone. Ella has started coming into the bathroom and patting me on the back and saying, "Poop, Momma, Poop."
As I was leaving, I ask him if I was nutty and he said if I was nutty he could smell me. This was his lame attempt at being funny. So I ask him if I was shitty...and I don't even think he got it.
Any one that has a disease that makes you crap all the time knows one thing, if you don't have a sense of humor...You need to be flushed down the loo.

Rico Sauve...The Donut King

2008-07-08T20:54:00.002-04:00

Rico has decided on a career change as well. He has decided to give up his present career and pursue my love for donuts. He knows I love Krispy Kremes and would probably sell my kids into slave labor for a couple of dozen (OK...maybe a couple hundred dozen...I'm not that bad of a mother.)
It was a toss up between Big Pimp Daddy (since he just got the Caddy) or the Donut King....seeing as I have big thighs...I could fit in either way. So, Donut King it is...place your orders early...we're running out quick!

Sterilization

2008-07-08T20:42:00.002-04:00

The first tubal ligation was performed back in 1881. As I can imagine, it came about from a situation like this...a woman, hard working on the farm...tending to her heathen kids, the chickens, the chores. It was July, it was HOT. The kids were whining...the mom was bitchy. The dad was just staying out of the way cause he was outnumbered.
But then he got a little brave and got amorous...and that's when she said..."Don't you ever come near me again unless you promise me I will never, ever get pregnant...these kids are gonna be the death of me yet...they have drove me nuts all day long...if you think you're gonna knock me up again, you've gotta another thing coming mister...so unless you come up with some kind of miracle fix...you best be sleeping in the guest room."
That, my friends, is how it all came about...a mom's need for sanity and a dad's desperation!

Hardwood Knockers

2008-07-07T21:45:00.004-04:00

One of these days, I'm gonna have enough self esteem to perform in the holiday parades like these people. These are the "Hardwood Knockers" and we watched them in an adjacent county 4th of July parade. They line danced to several songs and were quite "entertaining".
The great thing about it was they really didn't give two cents what anybody thought ...they were just having a good time...American flag high top tennis shoes and all.
So, I salute you "Hardwood Knockers" and all the other parade line dancers out there...you make the holidays that much more festive.

Don't Tell Rico!

2008-07-07T20:48:00.003-04:00

Rico don't know about me and Ronald. It's a torrid love affair. I use him...he uses me. I'm supposed to be on the Adkins Diet and that means no french fries.
However, Ronald likes me with salty lips, greasy fingers and fat thighs. Now that I think of it...so does Rico!
We're a perfect pair.

The Chickens are Here!

2008-07-06T22:09:00.003-04:00

Well, I decided I better go get the baby chicks from Farm Chick today. She's leaving Tuesday to go out of town for the week and leaving Secret Agent Man in charge of the coop. Now her chicks are old enough that they don't need butt checks. Mine are still young and can get their butt's clogged with poop and this has to be checked often but I'm hoping they will outgrow this by tomorrow...cause I don't even like doing butt checks on my own kids.
Anyhoo...even though I love to irritate Secret Agent Man, I figure he'd been through enough hell so I went to get them this afternoon. They are adorable. I've never been around chickens before...let alone picked one up.
We brought them home and had one little casualty with the blue heeler and one of the silver Cochins...I didn't think Tuff had it in him anymore to chase anything. We now know not to let him near the gate.
The kids had a great time as Ella has been practicing "feeding" the chickens all week long.
If I counted correctly, I have 14 hens and 3 roosters (which I didn't order but they threw in for free...gee thanks!)
We'll see what the count is by the end of the week.
I have to give a big shout out to Farm Chick for the chicken butt cleaning for TWO WHOLE WEEKS...now, that's a true girlfriend!
And a big shout out to my hubby for building the coop and getting all the supplies, while never once rolling his eyes or saying "Why in the hell do you want chickens?"

Career Change

2008-07-06T21:59:00.004-04:00

I am now a professional deer hunter.
That is all!

P.S. Real girls do eat meat!
Sorry Pam!

Not So Happy 4th of July

2008-07-03T20:52:00.005-04:00

I have a very unpleasant memory of the 4th of July. I guess I was about 12 years old and had just started my period. We were on one of our summer camping trips in the Winnebago.
Mom only let me wear pads. You know those 6 inch thick pads that were long enough to go from your belly button to your butt crack? You remember those? This was way before "wings". I don't even remember if they had sticky stuff on the back. They were so thick you could have used them for a pillow.
So, to make sure no one knew you were wearing these thick diaper pads, you would always wear a sweater or a sweatshirt tied around your waist...like no one noticed this was weird in July.
What a quandary...everyone was going swimming at the campground swimming pool but me. I couldn't go 'cause Flo was visiting and my pad was so huge and absorbent it would have sucked up all the pool water. What's a girl gonna do?
I finally broke down and asked my mom. She gave me a box of tampons and the instructions. I sat in the bathroom reading and looking at the directions...OK...I think I can do this, maybe.
After much hesitation, I put it in and off to the pool I went. Well, mom said it wouldn't hurt. But it did...and it kept getting worse and worse until I couldn't stand it any longer.
Finally,I couldn't take it any more. I was so embarrassed. I went and found my mom and told her what was going on. She asked me how I put it in and I told her...then she said..."You don't leave the cardboard part in too...you have to take that out and leave the cotton part in." DUH!
I am such a ding dong.
Speaking of "wings" and "sticky parts"...I gotta tell you this story. A couple of years ago, this elderly man was telling me he was having problems with urinary incontinence and had started wearing woman's sanitary pads so he wouldn't "wet" himself. He said one day he was in a bit of a hurry and he ripped off the back of the sticky pad and put it on...and then realized he put it on backwards. Said he only had a couple of hairs to start with but when he ripped that pad off he "cleaned his plow." True story.

Mood Ring

2008-07-02T22:43:00.006-04:00

MENOPAUSE JEWELRY

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a
big frickin red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. Dumb ass.

Ramblin's From a Fugitive

2008-07-02T22:04:00.002-04:00

Well, I'm still free for now. My lawyer has been talking to people down in Alabama and there's a possibility that I may be able to attend driving school here and pay court costs there and not have to attend court. Yippee! That would be a huge relief since I'm having my uterus yanked out a few days prior to the court date.
Pissy had the great idea that I should take pictures of my uterus and put it on my blog. What a fabulous idea! Even better...ya'll remember a few years ago when that OB/GYN from Kentucky seared U.K. (for University of Kentucky)on a patient's uterus when he removed it? They normally mark it with a L and R for pathology reasons...but this doctor was a huge U.K. fan and thought he'd be funny. Well, it got leaked to the patient and he got sued.
I think I will ask my OB/GYN to tattoo my uterus with "southern fried momma" and have him take it's picture just for you all...then maybe a picture of me all gorked out with the big tube down my throat and my eyes all rolled back in my head...but I will still have my makeup on...I promise!
Speaking of Pissy, she blogged today that she's not blogging for awhile. She's got a lot going on in her life. Let's all keep her in our hearts and prayers. I don't know about you guys...but she really makes me laugh!

Alabama Chain Gang

2008-07-01T21:53:00.003-04:00

Well, I'm about to say something I thought I'd never, ever, ever say,"I may soon be a member of the Alabama Chain Gang."
Remember back in May when Rico and I went to the condo in Gulf Shores? Well, on the way back, we were laughing and having a grand old time when I heard sirens and saw flashing lights behind me. After saying a few choice words, I pulled over to meet the biggest state trooper ever. Lord, that man was BIG.
I admitted that I was speeding..."Yes, sir" and all that jazz. He told me to wait 10 days and get online to pay my fine and that I had until August 10 to pay it. "O.K. Thank you, Sir! Have a Nice Day!"
Well, I come home. I didn't think too much about it. Just reminded myself every now and then that I need to get it done. So today I got online to pay. Well, the system wouldn't let me do it. I called the number on the ticket, and they tell me that I can't pay over the phone. What the? They give me another phone number to call for the local courthouse.
Well, guess what. I have to come to court. You know why? Because I was driving 20 MPH over the speed limit. Now, you know that big, bad trooper knew that when he gave me that ticket. Why didn't he just tell me? It would have really been helpful so I wouldn't schedule a HYSTERECTOMY three days before the court date. I told the judge's office that I was having surgery on the 7th of August and would it be possible to make other arrangements?
They were like...NO...probably not. If you don't show up for court, they will order a warrant for your arrest.
Can you believe this? I could be on the CHAIN GANG!!!!
I don't do well in the heat unless I have a fruity cocktail and sunscreen. Wouldn't it be a violation of my civil rights if I had to work by the roadside on a chain gang... without alcohol, sunburned, and WITH my uterus!!!!!
I need a lawyer!!!!! ATTICA!!! ATTICA!!!

Whiskey Barrels

2008-06-30T22:34:00.003-04:00

My mom drinks so much whiskey that she has it shipped over from the distillery in these cool barrels. Just kidding, Saint Wanda!
She really doesn't drink whiskey but she did buy me this cool whiskey barrel from one of the distillers.
She's making hers into some kind of rain catcher to water her flowers. I'm just gonna stick mine out between these trees cause I think it looks kinda cool...and so when the neighbors or my friends ask me about it, I can tell them my mom's a drunk! HA!
I know, Mom, it's not funny.

Insomniac

2008-06-30T22:12:00.003-04:00

Sweet Ella has not slept more than 20 nights her whole life. The kid just won't sleep. She's my little insomniac.
The first 14 months of her life, she was up approximately six times a night sucking on a bottle...and the pediatrician wondered why she weighed 30 lbs? I would have given the kid a bottle of Pepsi if she'd slept.
We tried it all. Cereal in the bottle. Late night feedings. Reflux medicine. Warm milk. Noise machines. Classical music.
At 14 months, we finally caved and tried the Ferber method. It was harsh for four nights. But for the next four months, she slept like a dream. Wonderful, peaceful sleep. Our prayers had been answered.
Then it returned with a vengeance. It started at first with the whining...then crying....then in a couple of days...flat out wailing and flogging. It's horrendous. Tonight it lasted for 2 hours. Then she's up at least once during the night for juice.
I can't take this much longer. I'm old and my nerves are frazzled. Why has she started not sleeping again? What can I do to stop the tantrums?
I know I am being paid back for some bad juju...so all you haters out there, keep laughing. Just remember, what comes around, goes around.
If any of you have any suggestions besides duct tape, please let me know. I'm desperate, brain dead, and sleepy.

Fountain...What We're We Thinking?

2008-06-30T21:26:00.003-04:00

OK. So, as most of you know by now, we spent most of the day yesterday searching for a fountain. Well, as you can see it will not fit in the area above so now the project got much bigger. It also is gonna take much longer cause the concrete is bare and it needs to be stained and sealed...and from what I hear this is a long, detailed process.
I know this doesn't sound like a big deal to most of you but it ain't like we've got nothing else going on. I work. My husband has a high level stressful job. We have two energetic (i.e. hyper) kids. We are smack dab in the middle of building a new office. We've got some rental property that one stupid tenant decided not to pay rent for three months and when we got pissed off about it and told them to get out...they decided to punch holes in the walls, destroy the carpet, and spray paint the brick. Yeah, we're slum lords.
So, that place has to be gutted and redone. Which would be no big deal if we could afford to hire it all done...but we do the work ourselves for the most part. Yes ladies...I can swing a hammer.
Then there's farm work that needs to be done. And to top it all off, I've decided to get a whole batch of baby chicks. What the?
We like chaos around here. The more projects we have going on the better.

Smarty Pants

2008-06-29T21:48:00.003-04:00

Rico Sauve is Mr. SmartyPants. He's really smart but I don't tell him too often cause it goes to his head. He knows all kinds of useless smart stuff like how much a gallon of milk weighs and Pythagorean's theorem. He was in the gifted program at school and went to the National Problem Solving Championship in middle school. Code for riding the short bus.
All this smart stuff makes him look important at the mall when he can undo the horseshoe puzzle...you know, the two horseshoes joined together with a chain and a ring? Well, Mr. SmartyPants can solve it much to the delight of the little old ladies in the store. They all swoon and fuss over him and he eats it up.
My husband...he can do a little dance in his little smarty pants.

Don't Touch David or His Parts

2008-06-29T21:14:00.003-04:00

Every time I decide to begin a weekend project, it starts out as one thing and ends up being something totally different. I decided to change a little landscaping...so I called up Cole Clark from Cole's Landscaping to get some ideas on some plants. He gave me some great ideas and I bought some plants to redo the area outside my side porch.
This morning I decided to get started planting these new plants. I asked my husband to help me reshape the area cause it's a little asymmetrical and it's bugged me ever since we first landscaped it. Well, while we are reshaping it and placing the new plants where we want them, my husband thought it would be a good idea to put in one of those fountains. Great idea, I say. So, we pack up the kiddos and off to Lowe's we go.
They have fountains there...but they're not manly enough. We need a huge, manly fountain, my husband says. You know, one of those massive concrete things.
We arrive at the concrete place and are greeted by this man, I'll call him "Stoner" if you know what I mean. He had every type of concrete object you could imagine...alligators, grim reapers, urns, benches, dogs, Michelangelo's Statue of David and big roosters. Ding Dang Ya'll, you know I got excited about the big rooster and wanted to take a picture. So I asked Mr. Stoner Dude if I could take a picture of his big rooster and he said, "Yes, you sure can...I'll even let you take a picture of David as long as you promise not to touch his parts...everyone's always wanting to touch his parts."
Only in Kentucky...

Secret Agent Man...a.k.a. Rooster

2008-06-27T22:13:00.004-04:00

This is Secret Agent Man, Farm Chick's husband. He's the one that I ordered all thirty of those chickens for. Well, they're here...and he doesn't think I'm too funny. I think I'm hilarious.
Thirty funky chickens arrived at his house this week and the hatchery threw in five roosters for the hell of it. All the hens have big plumes on their heads. They are so funny looking.
Farm Chick is now the expert on chicken raisin' so she is keeping them for the first week for me. I'm gonna attempt to keep them alive from then on. Since I have never been around a chicken before other than in the meat department at the local grocery store and Lee's Famous Recipe, this is gonna be a learning experience. I will be sure to keep you'll informed cause it'll be very entertaining.

My Two New Favorite Things

2008-06-27T21:45:00.003-04:00

Yesterday, my hubby and I got to spend the whole day alone together in the big city. We got to goof off and do silly things like get massages from those Chinese dudes at the mall kiosk. I don't recommend these...they're not very relaxing. Those little suckers are strong and will almost kill you with their little hands. We both were moaning and groaning...and not in a good way. I kept telling this dude that he was hurting me. He would say, "You hurt?" and then proceed to rub and pull harder. Honestly, I took a Loratab when I got finished.
After the torture treatment, we did a little shopping. I found these fabulous hoochie mama heels at a little store called Bakers. I don't know how often I'm gonna get to wear them...it's not like I'm clubbin' much these days...but I'm saving them just in case.
I also got this product from Sephora called Fresh High Noon Freshface Glow. I had previously gotten a sample of it there and fell in love. It's a very lightweight tinted moisturizer that is perfect to wear on those days you really don't want to wear makeup to the grocery store but if don't wear something you will scare the bejesus out of everyone. It gives your face just the right amount of coverage and makes you look all dewy and fresh. And anything that makes me look dewy and fresh I will buy by the gallon.

Puppy Love

2008-06-26T21:24:00.002-04:00

Ella loves Tuffy...or as she calls him "Duddy." Tuffy is kind of indifferent to Ella unless she has food then they are fast friends.
For those of you who don't know, Tuff is a little "Jack McFarland", if you get my drift. I mean, the dog enjoys taking a bath with pumpkin shampoo from the Bath & Body store. A normal heterosexual dog would immediately roll in a cow pie after having a bath in such a fragrance...but not "Duddy." He goes out and smells the roses.
Here in this picture, Ella is loving on Tuff and he's all like "Don't mess my freshly coiffed pumpkin hairdo."

Happy Camper

2008-06-25T21:41:00.003-04:00

You see this sweet little face? This it right before she left for church camp on Sunday. As I was looking through the lens of the camera, I thought I saw some apprehension, some dread in leaving momma.
Well, I was wrong. Not only did she leave without a wave goodbye, I haven't heard from her all week. Not ONE word.
It's the beginning of the end. She's growing up.

Cookies and Cream Fudge

2008-06-24T22:10:00.002-04:00

My husband called me the other morning and said, "You gotta call Ms. Bonnie (Ella's babysitter), she made this fudge stuff with Oreo cookies and it was good...real good."
Now, Ms. Bonnie has never made anything that tasted bad so I called her up and begged for the recipe.
Well people, Rico Sauve was right. It's good...real good.
I'd like to take credit for this recipe, but it's Ms. Bonnie's. ALL HAIL MS. BONNIE for this FAT-FREE fudge recipe. A girl can dream can't she?

Cookie and Cream Fudge

18 oz. white chocolate chips (1 1/2 pkgs.)
1 can sweet condensed milk
1/8 tsp. salt
20 Oreo cookies-crushed

In a heavy saucepan on low heat, add condensed milk and white chocolate chips. Heat until melted. Dump in cookies.
Pour into 8 inch pan lined with aluminum foil and refrigerate at least 2 hours.
Remove from refrigerator and dump out of pan. Slice into squares. Store at room temperature.

12 Step Program

2008-06-24T21:45:00.004-04:00

I don't get on Ebay very often, for good reason. I start out just browsing glassware and antiques. You know, just window shopping.
Then I start thinkin'. Which in my case is never a good idea.
So, I was thinkin' about the bridal shower Farm Chick and I are having for one of our friends later on this summer. Wouldn't it be a great idea to do several homemade cakes instead of the regular sheet cake thing. Beautiful, towering sweet concoctions on magnificent antique cake stands. Fabulous idea, I tell myself.
Well, here's the problem. I don't have that many cake stands of my own and it would be rude to borrow them...so I rationalize buying FOUR as of this minute...and maybe three more.
Ebay makes it so easy to get caught up in the bidding war. I want it...they want it...who wants it more???? Those of you who know me personally know I'm gonna get it...I can't stand not to.
Rico Sauve asked me what I was doing a second ago. I told him paying for some stuff on Paypal...you know the cake STAND I was talking about. I'll break the other three or five of them to him gently...like after he buys a new scope or rifle.
If that doesn't work, I'll be finding a 12 step program. Ya'll pray for me!

Things That Get on My Nerves #1-10

2008-06-23T20:42:00.006-04:00

Number #1
Every morning as I go to work, I get behind a slowpoke. EVERY SINGLE MORNING. I think they sit and wait for me, using CB radios to signal each other to pull out in front of me.
I swear, I can be 100 feet away, when a rusty old Impala with no muffler will pull out. They won't even look..they just pull out at neck breaking speed and then cruise to town at 30 miles per hour.
I don't know where all these people go...cause it certainly isn't to work...they'd never get there. Do they just congregate in town all day and wait for me to come back home so they can slow me down again?

Number #2
The toilet seat being up in the middle of the night. Ladies, we've all been there. Stumbling in the dark, keeping our eyes closed so we don't fully wake up. Going to the bathroom to pee 'cause we just can't hold it any longer even though we don't want to leave our warm spot in the bed. You finally get there without stumping your toe and you sit down and fall your ass in the toilet. Makes me mad just thinking about it.

Number #3
Next is getting the wrong order at the fast food drive thru. But the kicker to the situation is you don't realize it until you are already back at work. This happens to me on a fairly regular basis. I know the fast food industry employees work hard and I don't want to take their place. I work hard too. I'm a nurse and I always make sure I have the right medicine in the syringe before I give you a shot...I would appreciate it if you would make sure my burger is correct before you put it in the bag. Thanks.

Number #4
People who crowd me while in line anywhere. You know how it is. You go someplace and have to stand in line forever...and there's always one or two people that get right up behind you breathing on your neck like that extra two inches they're gaining in line is gonna make that much of a difference. If you're that desperate to get ahead of the line, cut in front of me...but just know I'm gonna breathe down your neck and get all in your personal space so you know how it feels.

Number #5
Leaving the water in the bathtub. We have one those fancy smancy garden jacuzzi tubs. The kids use it for their bathtub..but every now and then I like to clean out all the barbie dolls and toys and relax. The tub takes forever to fill up and forever to drain. The drain is probably filled with a big wad of barbie hair and paper labels from shampoo bottles. So on the occasion when I'd like a little soak, it never fails the tub is full of COLD dirty water. I then have to wait 20 minutes for it to drain and the next 10 for the fill...by this time I am too sleepy listening to the water to take a bath.

Number #6
Dirty cold sink water. You know when you soak that casserole dish that's burnt with all kinds of funk? You then place it in your sink to soak 'cause you really don't want to fool with it today...maybe tomorrow. Tomorrow comes and you have to put your hand in that cold, nasty water to pull the drain. YUCK! YUCK! YUCK!

Number #7
Eyebrow waxing by my sadistic hairdresser. I love her to death. She's done my hair for a hundred years. We've shared everything but men and I'd give her a kidney if she needed it. It's just that she enjoys inflicting pain and calling me names when she waxes my eyebrows. It hurts. I would rather have natural childbirth. The only thing worse would be getting my woo-hoo waxed and that ain't gonna happen.

Number #8
My bread getting smashed at the grocery. Why do they do this? Is it a sick game of how many loaves they can ruin in a day? Or do they know that it makes me mad enough to chew nails? Bread is your friend...don't smash it.

Number #9
Customer Service lines with no humans. No, I don't want to push #5 to hear my options in Spanish. I'm American, we speak English. And don't outsource to India, no one understands them. I have nothing against the Indians. I'm glad they're making a decent living...but speak clearly. And don't tell me not to get mad when you don't understand me. All I want is one polite English speaking person to answer the phone and answer my question. Is that too hard?

Number #10
Automated telemarketing calls. I hate when the phone rings at dinner time and you answer it and there is a message that says, "Please hold for an operator." I don't want to hold on...I didn't call you and I don't want to hear your crap about me winning a free Las Vegas vacation for the low price of $99. Nothing but the clap cost $99 in Vegas. Next time you call me, I'm just gonna start screaming and yelling in Indian.

I'm a Big Girl Too!

2008-06-22T22:40:00.004-04:00

Farm Chick and her brood went with us to Maker's Mark this weekend. Ella thinks she is just as big as Toot's and followed her around all day...holding her hand...touching her hair...giving her kisses. She thinks Toots is the bomb.
I caught the two of them sitting on the front steps of the distillery in their own little world.
By the way, check out Farm Chicks blog, www.itsasmalltownlife.blogspot.com, the pictures are great.

Ray Ray the Camper

2008-06-22T22:28:00.002-04:00

Ray Ray has left for church camp. I have known for a couple weeks that she was going...but a part of me doubted she would go. Rachel has always been a little clingy with me. Other than going to her Dad's and staying with Nana, she stays at home with us.
She called me from her Dad's Saturday night and said she just didn't think she could go...her voice quivering and on the verge of tears. I told her no big deal. She could go if she wanted or she could stay home...her decision.
Well, today she came home and wanted to know if I had packed all her stuff. She was ready to go. Off we go to the church to meet everyone else....I'm just waiting for the tears to fall and her to cling to me and come home.
But to my surprise, the only tears that fell were mine. I cried like a baby when she got in that van...with all those other kids and left with nary a wave.
It's over now. My baby has crossed that milestone. She doesn't need me that much anymore. I thought I would be happy to see her reach this day...but a part of me is so sad. My baby is growing up.

Kentucky Bourbon at it's Best

2008-06-21T22:37:00.005-04:00

Kentucky is well known for several things...The Derby, our beautiful bluegrass, Ft. Knox, and bourbon. We are proud to claim home to the Maker's Mark distillery.
Maker's Mark bourbon is not the same as whiskey. For those of you who don't know the difference, whiskey has a minimum of 80% corn whereas bourbon can never exceed 79%. Whiskey can be aged in new or used barrels but bourbon has to age in once only charred oak barrels.
Maker's Mark is one of the few remaining distillers that propagates it's own yeast for fermentation with cultures that trace back to the pre-prohibition era. It also is the only bourbon distillery to use pure, iron-free limestone spring water exclusively, not city, well or river water. Their water source is a 10 acre limestone spring fed lake on the distillery grounds.
We live about 45 minutes from the Maker's Mark distillery and yet this was our first but not last visit. The grounds were beautiful and the tour interesting.
At the end of the tour, you may taste the bourbon if you choose (and we did) and purchase and dip your own bottle. Maker's Mark is known for it's wax seal with the wax tendrils dripping down the side. We dipped our bottle but it was alot harder than it looked. My wax kinda ran down too far.
So for all you bourbon lovers, if you pass through our beautiful state....you should definitely plan on a stop in Loretto, Kentucky for the Maker's Mark tour.

Fruitcakes at the Fair

2008-06-19T21:27:00.003-04:00

See this guy in the video? This is one of the fruitcakes running the rides at the local fair. Ray-Ray even noticed he was a little nutty and asked, "What has he been smoking?"
Needless to say, I didn't let my kids ride this ride.

Jealous?

2008-06-19T21:23:00.001-04:00

See what I got for Rico Sauve's car?

The Perfect Southern Biscuit

2008-06-19T20:57:00.002-04:00

I have been in mourning ever since Ginger over at DeepFriedKudzu informed me that White Lily Flour is leaving Knoxville and moving north. How can the greatest asset of southern cooks move...and up north at that? No offense to my northern friends...but some things will always be southern...sweet tea, magnolia trees, pecan pie and White Lily flour.
So, as an adieu to White Lily leaving...I am treating you all to the perfect southern biscuit. It never fails. My mother-in-law told me my biscuits were better than hers after trying them...so the must be pretty good.
You can eliminate the gingerbread biscuit...Farm Chick and I were just having fun.

The Perfect Southern Biscuit (a.k.a Angel Biscuits)

2 cups White Lily self rising flour (no substitutions)
1/2 pint of whipping cream

Mix and roll out on floured surface. Using a biscuit cutter, cut biscuits without twisting. Twisting the biscuits prevents them from rising properly. Bake on a cooking stone for 13-15 minutes or until done at 450 degrees.

Running in Heels...

2008-06-18T21:28:00.003-04:00

Everyone that knows me knows that I have the uncanny talent to run in heels. I am very adept at walking in stiletto's and could run a 5K in Jimmy Choo's.
I joke to my friends that if I had to homeschool my kids the only thing they would be proficient in would be running in heels and makeup application.
I've started both my girls out with heels at a very young age...starting with those plastic heels from the Dollar Store and working up to my slingbacks. It's very important to walk like a lady in even the most trashy shoe. You can be the first female president of the United States but if you trip over your heels on your way to the inaugural podium...your just gonna look like a ding dong.
So here's to all the woman who can rock a pair of heels...for those of you who can't...give me a call for lessons.

You Might be Gay If...

2008-06-17T22:33:00.003-04:00

Ella hasn't been sleeping well lately. Every night about an hour after we turn our TV off, she wakes up. We think that the quietness of the house is waking her up...I know that sounds crazy.
So tonight Todd decides to go to Wal-mart and find one of those nature CD's of rainfall or waves crashing on the shore to play in her room. Maybe a little noise would keep her sleeping tightly.
Off he goes to the Wally World and looks for that display we've seen a hundred times. You know, the one with all the weird CD's you can sample? Rachel always goes straight to it and puts on the conga.
He looks and looks and can't find it. Finally he tracks down an employee and ask them. They tell him that they'd never had anything like that before. Discouraged, he sets off again to look over by the greeting cards on the other side of the store.
Halfway over to the card aisle he hears on the intercom, "Will the man looking for the ocean CD please return to the candle aisle."
My husband...in touch with his feminine side. HA!

Mimi's Addictions

2008-06-17T21:41:00.002-04:00

Mimi has two addictions. The first is her grandkids. She loves her grandkids with such a passion. She spoils them rotten and caters to their every need. My kids would gladly move in with her if I let them. I thought Ella's first word was Momma...but I think she was actually saying Mimi.
Mimi's second addiction is Wal-mart. She is the reason Sam Walton became a billionaire. If she stops going to Wal-mart, the economy will spiral out of control.
My husband decided this weekend that when it's Mimi's time to meet her maker, he's gonna sprinkle her ashes all over our local Wal-mart. She can shop for eternity!

I Killed Our Love Fern!

2008-06-17T20:57:00.003-04:00

When spring arrives, I can't wait to get hanging baskets for my front porch. We have a large front porch and I usually put up seven to eight hanging baskets...ferns and wave petunias. They're beautiful...for awhile.
Then the new starts wearing off and I get busy with other things...like yard work and taking care of kids. Little by little...I forget to water them. My husband actually built me a watering system...all I have to do is turn it on. But sooner or later, I kill the love ferns.
I really should go ahead and take them down. They look so pathetic.
I guess I'm off to Lowe's to buy more love ferns.

Fresh Peach Pie

2008-06-16T21:23:00.002-04:00

Farm Chick came out Sunday afternoon to do a little cookin' and a little chattin'. She needed an afternoon away from the kids cause Secret Agent Man (a.k.a. Rooster) is going out of town next week on important secret business. He's a big shot like that.
Anyway, we got to cooking, laughing and talking. We covered all kinds of topics... lactose intolerance, my stinky oven, ways to win the lotto...you name it, we talked about it.
This peach pie is good. Real good. I would've showed you a picture of the finished product...but I ate it before I thought about it. Sorry. Just picture it in your mind.

Fresh Peach Pie

1 large container of Cool Whip
1 can Eagle Brand sweetened condensed milk
1/3 cup lemon juice
5 peaches-sliced
1 cup of sugar
2 graham cracker pie shells

In a bowl place sliced peaches with sugar. Stir and let set for 15 minutes til sugar dissolves.
In another bowl, mix lemon juice, milk and cool whip. Drain peaches and fold in Cool Whip mixture. Place into graham cracker pie shells and refrigerate.

Rico Sauve

2008-06-16T21:16:00.003-04:00

This is Rico Suave. He's trying to impress me and get me in bed.
Here he is doing his "Sexy Time" pose.
Gets me every time...

You Can't Pick Your Family

2008-06-16T20:44:00.004-04:00

I've always heard it said, "You can pick your seat...you can pick your nose...but you can't pick your relatives." In this family, we celebrate our heritage...the good, bad and the ugly.
Ella Carrington is named after one of her great grandfathers many years back. Carrington Simpson has been remembered in Green County history as the supposed illigitmate son of Judge Carrington from Virginia as well as committing one of the most horrendous murders this area has ever witnessed.
In July of 1838, Carrington Simpson and two other men murdered Lucinda White, her sons John and Lewis, Lewis's wife Matilda and their baby William. They were bludgened to death and placed in a old outhouse and covered with a dead horse to disguise the smell of rotting flesh. Their motive was money and property.
Carrington Simpson was hung on September 21, 1841 in the community we live. The headstone is surrounded with a simple white gate and sits out in the middle of a pasture.
Simpson's story has become a prominent part of history in this area. It has been featured in William B. Allen's "History of Kentucky" as well as "History Among Us" by Lanny Tucker.
When I was pregnant with Ella, we wanted names to reflect both sides of our families. The name Ella is after Todd's paternal grandmother and my paternal great-grandmother. I couldn't bypass the name Carrington. For one thing, it's a beautiful name. Second, the story is fabulous. You can't make that stuff up.
Can you imagine the look on her boyfriends face when she tells him that story. He will think twice before mistreating her.
So, for all you people out there that think your family is a little loony...We got you all beat.

Career Change

2008-06-15T22:34:00.001-04:00

As of today, I am now an employee of Baywatch.
That is all.

"Pre-teen"

2008-06-15T22:27:00.003-04:00

Ray-Ray turned 10 Friday. We celebrated by having a big pool party with lots of friends and family.
Rachel thinks she is now a "pre-teen" and with that title comes lots of perks...like a cell phone. Why would my 10 year old NEED a cell phone?
The only time she is away from me, she is with other responsible adults who have cell phones. Thus, the reason is peer pressure and the need to talk to boys.
Well, it ain't gonna happen.

Colonoscopy Journal...More Potty Humor

2008-06-13T22:50:00.004-04:00

Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy
procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively si tting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a
mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?
This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed
by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice
but to burn your house. When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the
anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Qu een' has to be the least
appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than decade.
If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine ...'.. and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humorist.

Just Say No to Crack

2008-06-13T21:30:00.004-04:00

Dear Kim Kardashian,

I'm sure you are a really nice person. I have no idea why you are famous other than you made a not so nice tape with your ex-boyfriend and it got leaked to the whole world. You should have known better and kept it under lock and key...shame on you.
Anyhoo, I appreciate the fact that you are embracing your body and loving your big booty. It makes all of us women feel good that we don't have to weigh 98 pounds.
However, when you are showing off your big Judy booty for all the world to see...please wear a big enough bathing suit to cover your crack. That look is cute on my 19 month old when her diaper is sagging...but on you...it's just wrong.
Here in Kentucky, we keep our crack undercover and I suggest you do the same.
Sincerely,
SFM

Tidy Bowl!

2008-06-13T21:02:00.003-04:00

I have a confession. I have an aversion to cleaning the toilets. It's almost a phobia.
I just can't stand the thought of cleaning something with my hands that my shiney hiney has recently been there doing not so nice things.
I know that some people say that the toilet is cleaner than your kitchen sink. I have no problem with the kitchen sink...my big hiney hasn't been sitting on it. And besides, who did that study? And if they are the kind of person to WANT to do a study like that...would I trust their judgement? I don't think so.
What gets me even more is the thought of cleaning some public bathroom. I could do it if I had too...but I would need some serious anxiety medicine and a big Hazmat suit.
Sometimes Todd tries to talk to me about staying home full time with the kids...but then I would have to give up the cleaning lady...and clean my own toilets...I JUST CAN'T DO IT!

Why I May Be Banned from Old Navy

2008-06-12T20:41:00.002-04:00

Today we went to the big city. Farm Chick and I carpooled to Louisville to do a couple things with the kids and go shopping. While Farm Chick was busy running an errand, I took Ray-Ray and Farm Chick's daughter, Toots, to the mall.
Off to Old Navy we go 'cause I need some new shorts to fit my new big ass. While I am hurriedly scoping the place out, the girls are running around the store like a cat on crack. They are jumping and hugging and laughing...having a grand old time.
All at once, I hear them go into hysterics and hear Toots say "You broke her arm!"
I look up and see that Ray-Ray is carrying around the mannequin's arm. At first, I want to laugh...cause there stands Ray-Ray stunned...her eyes big as saucers... holding a mannequin arm. My second instinct is to run...maybe if I go to the other side of the store no one will know they are with me.
But, I decided to do the correct mommy thing and be embarrassed and seek sympathetic looks from all the other mothers. I got a few kind eyes...but most of them were "holier than thou" and acted like they had never experienced such bad behavior.
To all THOSE woman out there....I just have one thing to say...I hope you get dysentery.

Gas Prices and SUV's

2008-06-12T19:35:00.002-04:00

I have driven an SUV for several years. I love 'em. I feel safe on the road. If anyone gets in my way, I can just run over them.
I know they are horrible for the environment and my carbon footprint is huge. However,I like being able to go to Wal-mart and buy stuff knowing I can get it home. When you have a small car, you can't just go somewhere and buy a huge flat screen TV.
Now that gas is $4.15 a gallon...I've had to do some sacrificing...cause I can't afford to fill up the Rover tank every third day at $85.
We have purchased a '96 Honda Accord and I am already loving it. Filled it up for the first time for $50. I think I should get 30 to 35 MPG. Much better than the 15 I get on the Rover.
Less gas money spent means more play money for me...and I'm all about play money.
So for now and maybe forever, the Rover will be sitting still...unless I need to go somewhere for a big flat screen.

Hot Momma...the Queen of Pig Catchin'

2008-06-11T20:59:00.008-04:00

Yes people...it's time for the county fair. The summer redneck social event. I love the county fair. Ever since I moved to this small town as a youngster, it's always been so much fun going to the fair. Carnival rides...junk food...spending $50 throwing darts at balloons to win a Hannah Montana poster.
Our fair has it all...tractor pulls, cattle judging, mud sling, beauty contests (but who needs those when you have your own tiara?), kids day, and the ever famous pig catchin' contest.
Yes, you heard me right...a pig catchin' contest. My friend, Hot Momma, has won twice. It started out one year as a joke. We all pooled our money together betting her that she couldn't take down that pig. Little did we know after chasing three kids, the woman could take down anything. The second year, the local Cattleman's association (which sponser's the event) had a nifty little trophy made for her with a big pig on top.
That my friends is what I look forward to most of all at the local fair. Hot momma catching the pig. This year she says she's not gonna do it....but I think if the right bet comes along, she'll be game. If she prevails again this year,and I'm sure she will, I promise pictures.

Busted!

2008-06-10T23:01:00.002-04:00

My daughter took this picture of me feeding my face with chocolate cake. She then says to me, "Aren't you on a diet?"
She doesn't understand that I brought her into this world...carried her in my womb for 9 long months...labored many hours and gave birth to her? Gave up my slender thighs and taut belly? All this to raise her to remind me that chocolate cake is not on my diet. What did I do wrong?

Over the Rainbow

2008-06-10T22:34:00.004-04:00

This rainbow is a little symbolic of my mood tonight. The storm has been brewing. It's thundered and showered...then comes the beautiful rainbow. A new beginning.
Do you ever just get pissy? (Yeah, I know Big Pissy stays that way! LOL) Are you ever in a fine mood...then the least little thing just makes you pissy? I do this from time to time (my husband may say at least 10 or 12 times a day....but who's asking him?). I don't know why I do this. There's no logical explanation for it. Could it be hormones? Stress? Just because I want to?
Well, tonight I just decided to get pissy for a few minutes...to get mad for no particular sane reason. My husband made the bad mistake of asking me what's wrong. I said, "Nothing."
At this point, he should have just let me be...but because he loves me no matter what...he kept pushing. So, I told him the absolutely ridiculous reason why I was pissy. He looked at me like I had lost my mind and I felt stupid and ashamed. He is a good man to put up with me.
By now he should know that sometimes I'm a little insane. He knew this when he married me because we discussed it often. My mother even tried to warn him...."Sometimes she is just hard to live with." But he loved me and still does....mood swings and all.
So, the storm has passed and the rainbow is bright...enjoy it while you can honey!

Candy Man

2008-06-10T07:55:00.003-04:00

Remember when your mother warned you never to take candy from a stranger?
THIS is who she was talking about!

Why Can't My Kids Stay Clean?

2008-06-09T22:18:00.002-04:00

Am I the only mother in America that has kids that can't stay clean? I swear, I get them all nice and clean...put on cute outfits...and before we can leave the house, they are filthy.
I have friends whose kids NEVER get dirty. They always look like they came out of the Pottery Barn catalog. Their hair is always neat and coiffed in their ponytails...their white outfits are always spotless...even in the middle of a mud sling. How do they do that? Do they threaten them with bodily harm if they get dirty? Are they just allergic to mud?
I swear my kids could get dirty in a sterile room.
By the time they are grown, I will need a 12 step program for my "Spray and Wash" habit.

Why This Always Makes Me Smile...

2008-06-09T21:54:00.004-04:00

I love this tree. It is the most perfect maple tree in the world. My husband tells me that his grandparents planted this tree when they built the house we live in...somewhere in the late 40's to early 50's.
When I think about this tree and the history and memories...I can't help but smile. I think of all the warm summer evenings his grandparents sat on the front porch and waved to neighbors as they passed by. I think of all the afternoons my husband, as a child, climbed this tree playing imaginary games.
I think of all the afternoons my oldest daughter has played here in the mud after a cool spring shower.
I think of the impromptu picture that was taken after our wedding as we walked down to the tree with Rachel in between us.
I think of someday Ella getting married here at our home and having the same picture made with that tree.
I know it's silly to be attached to a tree...but I hope it's here as long as I am.

I Am....

2008-06-08T22:42:00.006-04:00

I am from pink depression glass, Bell Bakery doughnuts and the St. Marks United Methodist cookbook.
I am from the house on four acres with motorcycle and go-kart trails.
I am from honeysuckles, praying mantis and grapevine swings.
I am from birthday cakes for Jesus on Christmas day and "Are you savvy?", from Great Granny Ella and her tin can snuff and Ann and Tootie & Chris.
I am from the short tempered and stubborn and the meek and mild.
From "Don't talk to your momma that way!" and "Do you have ants in your pants?"
I am from vacation bible school and John 3:16 and Sunday potluck dinners.
I am from John Prine's "Take Me Back To Muhlenberg County" and Peabody's coal and River Queen and Paradise.
I am from Granny's turkey and dressing and pear honey perserves and ham and cheese sandwiches served in pie tins.
I am from Vietnam draft cards, the USS Pope and foreward observers and tunnel rats, from bouffant hair and marrying young and Winnebagos.
I am from Myrtle Beach camping trips, swimming trunks with cowboy boots and waterslides.
I am from photo albums with tissue paper, folded American flags, and shadowboxes of war medals, worn bibles, homemade quilts and love.

Oh, what a walk down memory lane. I read one of these poems on a new blog I've been checking out (www.blindpigandtheacorn.com). What a wonderful find.
Everyone should try this. It's amazing how your mind finds those great childhood memories.

Possum or Oposum?

2008-06-07T21:15:00.004-04:00

I know what you're thinking... What kind of hicks are these people? I swear, until this week, I have never, ever been this close to a skunk or a possum before.
The correct term is opossum...but around here they're just possums. You know, like the Beverly Hillbillies used to eat... "Granny's vittles."
My husband's business associate had a problem with possums tearing up his garden so he decided to catch 'em with a live trap. (Don't call PETA...no one was injured.)
Here's one of the culprits having a hot dog bun for a snack. He was taken to a location far away and released to go find another garden to destroy.
I will try not to have any more animal postings.

Cicada's...Stop the Insanity

2008-06-07T20:24:00.004-04:00

I don't know about you guys... but here in Kentucky we are overwhelmed with cicada's. They are everywhere. Huge, nasty creatures.
I mentioned them to Big Pissy (www.southerncircleofhell.blogspot.com) and she thought I was nuts. So, just to prove my sanity...or lack of...I recorded these things. It's hard to describe the sound...like being in a barrel with 50,000 people whispering. It makes me think I have more voices in my head....

My Kind of Woman

2008-06-06T21:16:00.002-04:00

My husband said this was something I would do. Is he implying that I have anger management issues?

Good Cooking! Good Friends!

2008-06-06T09:50:00.005-04:00

My friend, Farm Chick, bought me this wonderful cookbook that was featured on my new friend Ginger's website (www.deepfriedkudzu.com). Farm Chick was the one that got me started going to her blog and if you haven't become a regular over there...your're missing out on some good stuff.
It's so wonderful to have a friend like Farm Chick. She sends me wonderful southern cookbooks, good gossip, makes a mean cocktail, knows my kids sometimes act like brats and doesn't judge me, and is a P.I.C.
Every southern woman must have a girlfriend or two that is her P.I.C....you know, partner in crime. The one who will not only bail you out of jail if need be...but more than likely be sittin' in the cell with you laughin' saying "Oh, that was FUN." A P.I.C. also is available to help dispose of the body of a cheating husband, abusive husband, or just smart ass husband. So far, we've not had to do that....but I know she's always there if I need her....shovel in hand.

Mom's Iron Skillet Cobbler

2008-06-05T21:19:00.005-04:00

If you live in the south, you gotta know how to make cobbler. My mom's is fantabulous. She is the queen of cobbler...tiara and all!
You make this for your man and I guarantee he will buy you jewelry.
I know this to be true...

Iron Skillet Cobbler

1 cup butter (yeah, the real stuff)
1 cup milk
1 cup all purpose flour
1 cup sugar
1 tsp. baking soda
20 oz. canned fruit or fresh fruit of your choice

Melt butter in iron skillet in a 350 degree oven. In a bowl, mix milk, flour, sugar and baking soda. Once butter is melted, pour flour mixture into skillet. Next add fruit and return to oven for 45minutes. Serve warm with ice cream.

Tuff...The Gay Blue Heeler

2008-06-05T20:56:00.003-04:00

This is Tuff. Tuff is my husband's blue heeler...and he's gay.
He's very "Jack McFarland" from Will & Grace. There's just something about his demeanor...he's just flamin'.
I acquired Tuff by marriage. I guess you could say he's my step-dog.
Sometimes he likes me...other times he just tolerates me.
Tuff has 150 acres to s*@t anywhere on the farm...but where does he choose to go? Right in my landscaping. I think he does this just to tick me off.
Between the locust...the skunks...the dog crapping in my landscaping...
It's like Big Pissy (www.southerncirleofhell.blogspot.com)said..I must have some bad juju!

Do Marabou Heels Go With Skunk?

2008-06-04T21:57:00.002-04:00

While prancing around the kitchen in my marabou heels, I notice something funny moving around our driveway. About this time, my husband starts yelling, "Get out here...Get out here now." I run out the back door like a scalded dog and what do I see? Pepe Le Pew. Yes, my peeps, we have skunks.
My hubby (the great hunter) decided we should catch the skunk. So off he goes...with plastic container in hand.
As of this time, we are preparing for five skunk funerals.
R.I.P Pepe Le Pew and his fragrant posse.

I Need This Buffalo!

2008-06-03T21:20:00.005-04:00

I saw this huge buffalo outside of an antique store in Foley, Alabama. I wanted to buy it but my husband didn't think it was a good idea.
Not a good idea? Doesn't everyone need a huge buffalo?
I had good intentions for my purchase. I wanted to take my buffalo out every weekend and secretly place it in the front yard of family and friends and then view their reaction the next morning. How funny would it be to wake up and see that someone had placed an enormous buffalo in your front yard? It makes me giggle every time I think about it...especially to people who have no sense of humor.
So, watch out everyone... You never know when I may buy a huge bison and place it in your front yard early Sunday morning!

Tiara's...The Southern Woman's Anti-Depressant

2008-06-03T20:51:00.007-04:00

Have you ever put on a tiara? You can't help but smile and do that funny little "Miss America screw in the light bulb" wave.
I have never been in a pageant nor have any desire too. Walking in a swim suit for an audience isn't my idea of fun.
However, I occasionally put on a tiara...so do my girls. We play dress up and pretend to be beauty queens. When you put a huge tacky crown on your head...you can't help but stand up straight and smile like a sorority gal during pledge week.
The next time you need a pick me up...put on a tiara and some marabou heels. Wear them around the house while cooking supper. You will feel fabulous in no time. Your husband may think you have lost your mind...especially when you start waving to the neighbors and speaking of world peace...but you will feel great and look marvelous, darling.

Potty Mouth!

2008-06-02T21:25:00.002-04:00

You may have noticed that I deleted my next to the last post on "What I Would Do if I Won the Lotto." It seems I have stepped on a few toes because I used the derogatory term for feces. I need to clean up my act...and eliminate the beer bottle from the picture.
I apologize for any discomfort I may have caused. I will try to refrain from using profanity in the future. However, I was just keeping it real...and some people (my husband) think I limit myself and my potential when I do that.
So from here on out, when I need to use the term for feces...it will now look like this....%$#@.
Sincerely,
SFM

Funky Chickens

2008-06-01T21:56:00.002-04:00

My friend, Farm Chick, has started raising chickens. The first couple batches of baby chicks haven't adapted too well and she is a bit discouraged. Her husband, we'll just call him...The Rooster, isn't too excited about Farm Chick getting into poultry farming.
Since Farm Chick is my friend and I don't want her to be all down and out over the dead chicks she has lost, I thought I would brighten her day and cause the Rooster to have an aneurysm.
I called up the hatchery and asked if they had any funky chickens. The funkier the better. I told the woman I only wanted hens 'cause we had enough roosters. She didn't think I was too funny. How can you not have a sense of humor working at a chicken hatchery? Anyway, I order 30 different funky chicks....to be delivered to the post office with Rooster's name on the package.
He is gonna stroke and Farm Chick and I will giggle 'til we pee our pants.
So, here's to you Farm Chick...may your poultry farm prosper!

Marriage is a Compromise

2008-05-29T16:43:00.002-04:00

Life is good here in the Redneck Riviera. I love Alabama.
My husband agreed to take me to these wonderful antique shops I've been dying to visit since we started coming here....and he thought while we were out, we could check out the Mossy Oak outlet store.
Since I'm a good wife, I agreed. Although, I didn't enjoy it.
How much camouflage do men need? I can understand having a couple of outfits for hunting....but geez! They even have camo lingerie. What the? If you have to put camo on your woman to sleep with her...Wouldn't a bread sack be cheaper?
Anyhoo, that's just my opinion...and it really don't mean crap.

Hugs

2008-05-29T09:09:00.002-04:00

I have come all the way to Alabama to have a vacation sans the children...and guess what my husband is watching on TV? Cartoons. I am not lying.
He was flipping through the channels and stopped on the Disney channel and informed me he liked Manny. What the? I am not watching cartoons this week. End of discussion.
Called and checked on Ella. She and Nana were laying in bed talking and watching TV. Ella is at her sweetest first thing in the morning when she comes and gets in bed with you. She gives the best hugs and kisses. I'm missing them.....but not enough to come home yet.
Gotta go to the beach! I have lots of books to read and daiquiri's to drink.

Momma's on Vacation

2008-05-27T21:11:00.003-04:00

You see this beach? This is where I will be tomorrow afternoon. You know what's even better than being on the beach? Being on the beach without the kids! That's right...momma's on vacation.
Starting in the morning until Sunday night, I will no longer be changing diapers, wiping snotty noses, cutting anyone's meat, playing referee between sisters, or waking up at the crack ass of dawn.
The only thing on my agenda for the next few days is sleeping, eating, sunning on the beach, and partaking in several fruity cocktails.
I need to say a special shout out to Nana, Granny and Mimi for taking care of the girls! Thank you!
I'll be thinking of all you hard workin' momma's back home! Suckers!

Ray-Ray's Recital

2008-05-27T09:31:00.003-04:00

Rachel's recital is here.
I put it on my youtube page. If this doesn't work...Lord help me!
She did such a fabulous job and we are so proud. As a parent, I was blown away by her talent. Ray-Ray you are a diamond in the rough who you only let us she you shine when you want...but when you do.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PCGIGpWzTXk

Senorita Ella

2008-05-26T21:35:00.004-04:00

Senorita Ella is riding her burro in search of Cheetos. Fiesta Mexico restaurant has no Cheetos. Senorita Ella must ride burro over many dusty trails in search of Cheetos.
Happy trails Senorita Ella...Happy trails.

Ella and Aunt Sister

2008-05-26T21:00:00.002-04:00

Now, I bet a few of you are wondering why we call Aunt Sister...Aunt Sister? I could tell you...but I think I'll save that for a later post. We'll name that one..."Aunt Sister? Is she your Aunt? Or your Sister? Here in Kentucky....it could go either way."
Just kidding. We love Aunt Sister, especially Ella. Aunt Sister brings Ella Cheetos...the puffy kind. Her favorite.
So thanks Aunt Sister....for the Cheetos...and the love!

Coming Soon!

2008-05-25T09:14:00.006-04:00

I have been uploading Rachel's recital video since last night and it still isn't finished. Hopefully it will be done soon and you all can see what a fantastic job she did.
Thanks to all her "fans" who came out to watch....she really appreciated it!
The above picture is of Rachel and her voice coach Erika Graham Gaines. She has done a wonderful job with Rachel this semester.

2008-05-24T20:50:00.002-04:00

Rachel had her recital today. It was an outstanding performance. We knew she had talent but were a little afraid she might have stagefright. Boy, were we wrong. Rachel is in her element on stage. Way to go Ray-Ray! We are so proud of you!

Rude People

2008-05-22T22:05:00.006-04:00

I have always tried to be courteous and use my manners. I was always taught to say "Yes, ma'am" and "Excuse me." I try to instill those traits in my children by my example.
Today I encountered several rude people. Was it National Rude Day and no one told me?
I went to a car wash in an adjoining county. I had some nickels and dimes that needed to be converted into quarters so I could use the vacuum. I asked the attendant if I could get some change, in which he replied, "The change machine is over by the door." I explained to him that I had change but needed quarters and he said, "Well, I would have to go inside to do that..." and walked off. Hello?
So, I left that car wash and went to another that took my debit card. Sometimes personal service is not such a good thing.
I then go to the big store of all stores...the small town wondermall. I want to purchase Ella one of those cheesy plastic pools. I go to the Lawn & Garden section and kindly ask the sales lady if I could please purchase one of the small pools out front. She asked me if I know the price. Well, I know it's eight dollars and something...it was the cheapest one outside. So, I ask her just to give me the cheap one. She wants to know which one that is. She is very upset with me 'cause I don't know which one is the cheapest one? I don't know...look at your price list. I just want the pool. I'll buy one of each. Just check me out so I can go home. It's not brain surgery.
I understand that everyone has a bad day. I have them too. So I'm giving every rude person I encountered today the benefit of the doubt. Tomorrow will be a better day. Let's all get up and say our "Please" and "Thank You's" they're the magic words.
Hey, wait a minute....isn't that a Barney song....I've been watching too much cartoons.

Is This More Effective Than Time Out?

2008-05-22T21:54:00.002-04:00

I need a cure for back talking. It's become rampant in this part of the country. A major epidemic. We may need a consult with the CDC. If anyone knows of any effective treatments, please let me know.

Happy to Pissy in 4.2 Seconds

2008-05-21T21:58:00.004-04:00

Ella is at that age when you never know which personality you're gonna get. Sweet Ella is an angel. She loves to give hugs and kisses. Pissy Ella is the devil in disguise. She is full of piss and vinegar.
Pissy Ella has been here tonight. If you see Sweet Ella, please send her back home. We miss her.
Thanks!

Afternoon Tea with PaPa

2008-05-20T20:53:00.003-04:00

Ella has PaPa wrapped around her little finger and she knows it. She's only one of two people who could get him to sit at a Strawberry Shortcake table and have a "pretend tea party"...the other is Rachel.
PaPa is the toughest, manliest man I know. If only his tractor pulling buddies could see him now...this may be blackmail!
Alright PaPa...pay up!!! Send a large sack of Benjamin's or all your buddies see this picture and find out what a softy you really are.

Mother's Day

2008-05-20T15:48:00.004-04:00

I had the most wonderful Mother's Day. I'm a little late posting about it...but late is better than pregnant.
Todd is a wonderful husband everyday...but especially on holidays. He really makes an effort to make me feel special and appreciated. I am so blessed to be loved unconditionally. He loves me in spite of all my bad traits.
Todd's a good man and father. My best friend. The best decision I ever made. Thank you for making Mother's Day and everyday with you special.

Our Trip to the Zoo

2008-05-19T21:43:00.003-04:00

Saturday we took the kids to the Louisville Zoo. It was a beautiful day and the kids behaved. Ella was mesmorized. She loved the animals and watching all the kids. She is a people watcher. Rachel's favorite was the gorilla exhibit. They put on quite the show...coming up to the glass and putting their hands with the kids...then beating on their chest and running around.
As you can see by the video above, the kids talked the WHOLE way.

Liar...Liar

2008-05-16T20:58:00.002-04:00

I know I told you all there would be no more Derby pies...Well, I lied. I have no self control. It's my mothers fault.
I had to fix dinner for Mother's Day...and I had to fix dessert. A southern woman always has dessert...it would be rude otherwise.
So, the day before I had to make TWO pies. One to sample and make sure everything turned out OK ...the other to serve to my mom. So it's all her fault.
See...I can rationalize anything. Even the size of my butt getting bigger.

P.S. Those beautiful flowers? They're from my sweetie. Isn't he grand?

Motherhood...Trials and Tribulations

2008-05-15T16:25:00.005-04:00

I know at times I was awful to my mother. She tells me about it all the time. I even got the dreaded mother curse...."You just wait 'til you have kids." My response ..."I ain't having no kids." Boy, did I eat those words.

The mother curse works. I know cause my mom did it to me....and I'm doing it to my kids. I've already started chanting...."Your kids will drive you crazy....you will never go to the bathroom by yourself again....They will wear your good high heels outside to play in the mud....they will eat all the Twinkies."

I'm chanting and I'm doing my voodoo. What comes around goes around.

I can't wait to see my girls become mothers....hopefully MANY, MANY years from now. First, because they will finally be out of my house (hopefully). Second, I hope that they become better mothers than I have been.

My mom made it look so easy. She was always patient and only lost her cool once that I can remember. I kept begging to go to the library (of all places) and she said not today. I kept on and on and on....then she did something I had never seen her do. She floored the pedal of that sea foam green Lincoln Continental. I would expect this from my dad...but MOM? She was pissed. I got hysterical and acted like I had whiplash. I believed I yelled out something dramatic like "Your gonna kill me driving like that...all I wanted to do was get a book...you don't love me." And you know what happened next? Even though I had acted like a little shit and deserved mom losing her cool and busting my butt (which she didn't)....she apologized to me. WOW. I felt horrible.....maybe she knew the reverse psychology would work? No. My mom is just a good, decent, loving person who loves her kids unconditionally. I call her "Saint Wanda" to my friends....cause that's the way I think of her. She is genuine and good in a world where there's not much of that anymore...I hope my girls get alot of Nana's traits.
I wish I could be like Nana more often. I fail miserably. Life is so hectic and crazy that sometimes I don't give my kids all they need like my mom.

Maybe someday they'll appreciate the fact that I tried really hard to be a good mom...like the mother I have....even when I don't make the grade.

If not, I'll just feed their kids too much sugar and caffeine..let them draw on my walls with chalk....jump on the bed and send them home bouncing off the walls....like Nana does my girls...Maybe they'll think I did a pretty good job after all.

We love you Nana! Happy Belated Mother's Day!
Your #1 Daughter

Potato Candy

2008-05-15T16:13:00.003-04:00

Ever heard of potato candy? My mom has made this for as long as I can remember. She says her mother made it during the Great Depression. It was a cheap alternative to store bought candy.

The thought of two things like potatoes and sugar just sounds ICKY...but please don't pass judgement. You'll be passing up a wonderful confection.

POTATO CANDY

1 Small potato peeled and cubed

1 jar of peanut butter (smooth or crunchy....I prefer smooth)

1 box confectioners sugar

Place potato in a cool saucepan of water. Boil until tender. Drain.

Let potato cool slightly in a medium size bowl. Start adding small amounts of powdered sugar until you make a thick rollable mixture. Roll out on wax paper.

Spread with peanut butter. Roll up mixture in a jellyroll and place in wax paper. Refrigerate.

Slice and ENJOY!

Potty Head not to be confused with Potty Mouth

2008-05-15T16:02:00.003-04:00

Ella is potty training! Yippee! You think I'm excited? NO.

Yes, diapers are expensive...and nasty...especially the poopy ones. But you know what? They're EASY. Yes, I am a lazy mom.

Before potty training, car trips are a breeze. No stopping at the interstate truck stop and trying to get your toddler not to touch ANYTHING. There are no guaranteed trips to every restaurant bathroom BEFORE you can place your order just to see what they look like. I have the nosiest kids in America. They HAVE to check out the potty everywhere. They should start a Zagat system for bathrooms....

Ella is potty training herself...I have nothing to do with it. If it was up to me, she would wear diapers until she could change herself.

Every five minutes she says..."PEE....PEE"...we go to the potty....sometimes she tinkles....sometimes she just wants to play with the toilet paper. Over an over and over and over.

I need a vacation.

"Ella Ray Cyrus" Billy Ray's Other Daughter

2008-05-14T20:38:00.006-04:00

This is not by any means a professional video....but it's funny as all get out. Ella's wearing her mullet and feeling her redneck groove.

If only I could get her to sing "Achy Breaky Heart"....

School Days...School DAZE!

2008-05-14T13:43:00.002-04:00

I am so ready for school to end. I'm sure Rachel is too. Spring fever has sprung here at our household. No one wants to be cooped up doing homework or studying for test. We want to be outside playing in the dirt.

School is as hard for us moms as it is for the kiddos. Checking the backpack every evening, tracking down lost assignments, helping with projects....I'm tired just thinking about it. We need fresh air and sunshine....Last day of school please hurry and get here!

Farm Chick's Fabulous Ski Cake

2008-05-12T20:49:00.004-04:00

My friend Farm Chick and I both share a love of cooking and EATING. This weekend, we got together for some good gossiping, good cocktails, and good cooking.

For those of you who are not locals, SKI is our holy grail. The nectar of the redneck Gods. A local soft drink that has been "bottled" in our community for years until recently. There's no way to describe a SKI other than it's like a Mountain Dew on crack. Who knows how much caffeine and sugar it has. It is the most wonderful soft drink on the planet. I don't understand why Coca-Cola Corporation hasn't taken it global.

Farm Chick makes cake out of it. Cake and SKI. Two of the most perfect concoctions joined together.....Hallelujah!

Because I am a generous person who thinks everyone should have their cake and eat it too....I'm sharing Farm Chick's recipe. You will thank me again and again. It's the perfect recipe for get togethers. Always turns out perfect and moist...everyone will be envious of your culinary skills.

Enjoy!

Farm Chick's Fabulous Ski Cake

1 lemon pudding cake mix

1 small package lemon instant pudding mix

1 can SKI (Mountain Dew or any citrus type soft drink)

3 eggs

3/4 cup oil

Preheat oven to 375 degrees.

In bowl, mix cake and pudding mix. Incorporate eggs and oil. Slowly add SKI until mixed thouroughly.

Pour batter into greased Bundt pan.

Retain small amount of batter in bowl to eat yourself. YUMMY!

Bake 30 minutes. Let cool slightly and place cake on beautiful cake stand.

A southern momma always has her cake on a pretty cake stand!

Mix 2 Tbsp of SKI with 1 cup of powdered sugar. Drizzle over warm cake.

Also, while waiting for your cake to bake...enjoy a MO"SKI"TO.

1 part vodka

2 parts SKI

CONTEST!!! Give this photo a name!

2008-05-10T11:02:00.002-04:00

Ella has hit the terrible two's just a few months early. Not only is she curious...she gets the "vapors" like Scarlett O'Hara.

This picture was taken on our vacation in Gulf Shores. Notice the Christmas PJ's....well, it's way past Christmas. We just wear 'em til we out grow 'em.

Anyway, Ella spent the majority of her time on vacation like this. People say I will miss this when they're grown? What the? I am not gonna miss the tantrums of toddler hood...unless I become senile. Which is a real possibility. Will my kids take care of me when I become senile...especially after telling all their bad stuff on the 'net? I doubt it. I see a nursing home in my future.

OK people...Here's the contest....Give this photo a name. For the next week I will be taking entries. Place your entry in the comments section at the end of this post. Winner (picked by moi, of course) will be the winner of a $25 gas card. Who doesn't need that? It will only get ya about 6 gallons...but it's free. Only one entry per email address. Good luck and make me laugh!

D

Self Portrait

2008-05-09T22:35:00.002-04:00

As I am unloading my digital camera tonight, what do I find? Lots of pictures of Rachel. Lots and lots of pictures. Pictures I don't remember taking...nor does anyone else. Seems that Rachel has been taking her own portrait and has gotten pretty good at it.

Here's the best one so far.