Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Alabama Chain Gang

Well, I'm about to say something I thought I'd never, ever, ever say,"I may soon be a member of the Alabama Chain Gang."
Remember back in May when Rico and I went to the condo in Gulf Shores? Well, on the way back, we were laughing and having a grand old time when I heard sirens and saw flashing lights behind me. After saying a few choice words, I pulled over to meet the biggest state trooper ever. Lord, that man was BIG.
I admitted that I was speeding..."Yes, sir" and all that jazz. He told me to wait 10 days and get online to pay my fine and that I had until August 10 to pay it. "O.K. Thank you, Sir! Have a Nice Day!"
Well, I come home. I didn't think too much about it. Just reminded myself every now and then that I need to get it done. So today I got online to pay. Well, the system wouldn't let me do it. I called the number on the ticket, and they tell me that I can't pay over the phone. What the? They give me another phone number to call for the local courthouse.
Well, guess what. I have to come to court. You know why? Because I was driving 20 MPH over the speed limit. Now, you know that big, bad trooper knew that when he gave me that ticket. Why didn't he just tell me? It would have really been helpful so I wouldn't schedule a HYSTERECTOMY three days before the court date. I told the judge's office that I was having surgery on the 7th of August and would it be possible to make other arrangements?
They were like...NO...probably not. If you don't show up for court, they will order a warrant for your arrest.
Can you believe this? I could be on the CHAIN GANG!!!!
I don't do well in the heat unless I have a fruity cocktail and sunscreen. Wouldn't it be a violation of my civil rights if I had to work by the roadside on a chain gang... without alcohol, sunburned, and WITH my uterus!!!!!
I need a lawyer!!!!! ATTICA!!! ATTICA!!!


Big Pissy said...


You SO do not want to do time at Tutweiller (that's the only women's prison in Alabama). You'd have to wear a heinous white jumpsuit and live in a cement block building.

Not to mention the fact that all the women would want you.....


Get a lawyer!


Dejoni said...

My lawyer is working on this but can you believe this crap...over a speeding ticket? I'm no felon. I'm a proper southern lady with a lead foot. I admit it. I will pay my fine. Hell, I will even come to court...but I can not ride all the way to Alabama three days post op a hysterectomy.
If I do, I am bringing my uterus in a jar and putting it on the judges stand.

Big Pissy said...

I do believe it....I worked for the District Attorney here in my county for 12 years. I believe pretty much anything after that....

Of COURSE you're not a felon! ...and like any good southern lady...you have a lead foot. I know b/c I'm the same way: 2 speeding tickets in two weeks: one in Alabama and one in Georgia. That's my current record. I'm pretty sure it still stands amongst my friends as the all time high.

Take the uterus!

and be sure to take a picture of it! ;-)

p.s. I really am down right now, but reading stuff like this helps...so thanks. :)

Dejoni said...

Hang in there Pissy. Hard times happen in life to teach us something. You may not see it now...but it's for a reason. God won't give you more than you can handle. You may need some alcohol along the way...but you'll make it through with some prayer, some drinks, and your girlfriends.
Are you close to Gulf Shores? I'll be back there the weekend of the 26th...we should meet up and have a good dinner and trashy drinks at FloraBama. I'll even let you dance with my husband. That outta cheer you up...I don't let him dance with just anyone!
Hang in there girl...tough times make tough woman. Tough woman make the world go round and raise tough girls to carry on the tiaras.

ginger said...

Back in the mid-90s the state actually did start up chain-gangs again! I used to pass them on my way to college sometimes. Alabama doesn't do chain-gangs anymore though, I think the publicity from it being all over CNN got it stopped.

You know, though, there are a couple of really good chain-gang songs on that "O Brother Where Art Thou" cd. I don't see you singing "Po Lazarus" any time soon though.

And seriously, why can this not be taken care of through the mail if not the phone or web? They just need a check for goodness sakes. Dumb.

Dejoni said...

Will I have to wear stripes or orange at the correctional facility? I'm trying to think of accessories.

Dejoni said...

They said because I was driving 20 over the limit I had to appear in court. I wasn't running dope or making meth or anything CRAZY like that...I was just speeding. My last speeding ticket was OVER five years ago in Kentucky.
My lawyer ( who is a good friend of my husband and a real smart ass) told me to get ready for some lesbo love 'cause the girls were gonna love me in prison. I was not amused.
He assures me he is working on it.
Ya'll please pray for me...'cause I know if I go to prison someone will steal all my MAC makeup and they won't let me keep my flat iron...they'll say it's contraband...My life will be hell.
It will amount to Sunday visits with my kids bringin' me buckets of fried chicken.
Swing Low...Sweet Chariot...

Anonymous said...

My daughter thinks your chain gang issue is hilarious! She also thinks your pretty!

Brittany said...

OMG this is hilarious!